Daddy Issues

He asks me if I'm unhappy.
In the moment all I can do is offer a sideways smile, and look him dead in the eye as I lie to him.
No. I'm not unhappy, Dad.
Lies I have had to tell my father. In order:
Yes. I'm glad you're going to meet your grandchildren.
Yes. I am glad you are in town
Yes. You are welcome into my home.
No. I'm ok.
No. I'm just stressed out.
Yes. Let's have dinner there.
No. I'm not in a hurry
Yes I'm fine
Yes everything's ok
I love you, dad.
I love you dad
I love you dad.
I am the girl who has daddy issues.
I never was the girl who never met my father
Never was the girl who's father died at a young age,
But the caveat to those two statements is
I wish I didn't know who he was, so I didn't have to go through the grieving process every time he decided to not be here.
I used to love him.
I used to live my life
Based on his approval
What little girl doesn't want to hear
Her daddy say he's proud of her?
I can count on one hand the times my father said those words to me.
I can also count how many times he told me that:
I reminded him of my mother.
I drink too much.
I was damaged goods because I was too independent
I didn't know how to be his kid
I wasn't a good person because of my sexuality
I wasn't a good person because
I invite drama into my life
I was a terrible daughter because I thought for myself
And why wasn't I a better wife to my ex husband.
And why wasn't I a better woman because a better woman would have stayed married to someone she couldn't trust and birthed babies
And why wasn't I a better woman because a better woman would know how to cook
And why couldn't  you just make the right decisions
The whole six years I refused to speak to you because you were no longer a human being in my eyes, Jessica?
My father
Is never the catalyst.
My father wrote his own story to read:
"I did a great job raising my two kids, but they didn't understand me and blamed me for everything. "
He wrote my story and titled it "Jessica Renee: The child I raised to blame"
And he wrote my brothers story:
"Matthew James, or how my greatest legacy is a fuck up."
It had been eight years since I had seen him,
And when I saw him standing in that hotel lobby I stood taller than I have ever stood.
Because now.
Now I recognize
He doesn't get to write my story.