Untitled

I've waited two years.
I'm not really sure what I was waiting for.
A sign,
Maybe god calling me on my cell phone in the middle of the night
To tell me
I was going to die a spinster
Or maybe about this really cool guy the devil wanted me to hook up with.
But for two years,
I wandered aimlessly through the desert,
Waiting for some version
Of a heavenly text message,
Or some magical conversation
To pull me out of
The numbness I wrapped myself in
To keep warm
And protect me from the elements.
I don't know what I was thinking
When I went to the bar that night.
I just wanted to remind myself
That humans are funny creatures,
And though I didn't feel like one,
I was related to them.
I sat with a man
Who calls me Oracle
Maybe because I'm psychic
Maybe because I know how to read people
Maybe because secretly he hopes I'm able to promise him a better tomorrow in some way,
And we didn't speak.
We watched people.
And suddenly you were there.
I looked at you,
Wondering,
What kind of man you were.
A feeling of peace came over me
Almost as if the ocean had swallowed me whole.
I knew this feeling.
You were touched by unconditional love
Or were pushing it out into the universe
Like a riptide.
And I spoke to you.
I don't remember what it was I first said,
But I remember
Thinking how lovely it must be
To be loved the way you were.
I remember getting drunk and laughing like a fool with you,
And how awesome that was
Because
I hadn't laughed like that with a stranger for years.
And that's how we started.
Two drunk fools in a bar
Laughing.
Later I got the chance to tell you some of my story,
And we've progressed in making a story of our own.
But.
There's always a but.
Even though I have a hard time leaving you in the morning,
Or at night,
And we talk and laugh and adventure,
The skeptic in me lives on,
And I'm more scared now
Than I ever have been of losing a person.
We haven't said the words yet,
But you cause me to feel,
Feel things that were once a distant memory
Like a ghost that haunts the hallways of my soul
And my heart is pounding as I type this out on my cellphone
Because I'm afraid
Afraid of allowing the feelings
In again.
But the reality is
They never left.
They never left.
I've been so afraid of falling that now,
When I know I am
It's the hardest thing to admit.
So instead
I wrote you a poem
To tell you,
I'm here.
And I'm afraid.
But I'm here and it the most glorious feeling
Like a phone call
From God
Telling me
It's gonna be ok.
I'm ok.
It's ok
To feel
Again.