Untitled

I've waited two years.
I'm not really sure what I was waiting for.
A sign,
Maybe god calling me on my cell phone in the middle of the night
To tell me
I was going to die a spinster
Or maybe about this really cool guy the devil wanted me to hook up with.
But for two years,
I wandered aimlessly through the desert,
Waiting for some version
Of a heavenly text message,
Or some magical conversation
To pull me out of
The numbness I wrapped myself in
To keep warm
And protect me from the elements.
I don't know what I was thinking
When I went to the bar that night.
I just wanted to remind myself
That humans are funny creatures,
And though I didn't feel like one,
I was related to them.
I sat with a man
Who calls me Oracle
Maybe because I'm psychic
Maybe because I know how to read people
Maybe because secretly he hopes I'm able to promise him a better tomorrow in some way,
And we didn't speak.
We watched people.
And suddenly you were there.
I looked at you,
Wondering,
What kind of man you were.
A feeling of peace came over me
Almost as if the ocean had swallowed me whole.
I knew this feeling.
You were touched by unconditional love
Or were pushing it out into the universe
Like a riptide.
And I spoke to you.
I don't remember what it was I first said,
But I remember
Thinking how lovely it must be
To be loved the way you were.
I remember getting drunk and laughing like a fool with you,
And how awesome that was
Because
I hadn't laughed like that with a stranger for years.
And that's how we started.
Two drunk fools in a bar
Laughing.
Later I got the chance to tell you some of my story,
And we've progressed in making a story of our own.
But.
There's always a but.
Even though I have a hard time leaving you in the morning,
Or at night,
And we talk and laugh and adventure,
The skeptic in me lives on,
And I'm more scared now
Than I ever have been of losing a person.
We haven't said the words yet,
But you cause me to feel,
Feel things that were once a distant memory
Like a ghost that haunts the hallways of my soul
And my heart is pounding as I type this out on my cellphone
Because I'm afraid
Afraid of allowing the feelings
In again.
But the reality is
They never left.
They never left.
I've been so afraid of falling that now,
When I know I am
It's the hardest thing to admit.
So instead
I wrote you a poem
To tell you,
I'm here.
And I'm afraid.
But I'm here and it the most glorious feeling
Like a phone call
From God
Telling me
It's gonna be ok.
I'm ok.
It's ok
To feel
Again.

With Love

When I stand here,
What do you see?
I'm guessing you see
A white cisgendered
Heterosexual
Female.
I bet you don't see
A Native American
Jewish
Cisgendered
Bisexual
Female.
Who is afraid.
I am afraid.
For my brothers and sisters
Who stand on
Standing rock.
I am afraid for
Your children
And mine
Who have to grow up under
A blatantly mysoginyst,
Blatantly racist
Blatantly homophobic
President elect.
I am afraid for
The people walking the streets in protest in Philadelphia, Portland, Denver and every other major city.
I am afraid for
The people who are victims
Of hate crimes
I am afraid for
The people who are so far flung out into the darkness
That they can't see their way back.
I am afraid for you.
I am afraid for America.
I'm afraid of
Cops armed with guns,
I'm afraid of a man
Sitting in the oval office
That may or may not be qualified to do the job,
I'm afraid of a man who talks about
Grabbing women by their pussies
Even though I have worked for
13 years of my life
To not be afraid of men anymore.
I am sick of being afraid.
Afraid I wasn't going to make my rent
Afraid I wasn't going to be a good mom
Afraid I wouldn't be accepted one way
Or another socially.
I'm afraid I'm going to be saying I'm afraid
A lot more
I'm afraid that even though I pass as white
One day there might be an officer at my door
Demanding I bring my children
As they load any of us not like them
Into train cars
Headed for camps.
I'm afraid
If I say how I really feel
They might
Load me into that train car regardless.
I'm afraid my sons
Will cry and mourn
For their sons.
If they have any.
I'm afraid of waking up in the morning.
Knowing I will continue to be afraid every morning
For the next four years.
And I don't want to hear anyone tell me I shouldn't be.
Or why I shouldn't be afraid.
Because the truth is
You don't know if I shouldn't be.
I don't want to hear
That you think I'll be fine
That I should just shut my mouth
That I should stay in my house and not worry.
Because I'm afraid if I do that
I won't have anyone to turn to
For help
Later
If they do come for me.
Fear and I are not strangers.
Fear and I are old friends with a quarter of a century of history.
So instead of letting the fear win
I will protect myself
Protect my family
And maybe one day I will protect you.
My tears have been shed,
My family's blood has been spilt,
For centuries.
And I will not sit by idly
Watching others be afraid.
Watching others feel
What I already know.
So if you feel afraid
Lost
Unsettled
Unloved.
I am here.
I will protect you
With love.