Is.

"She wanted love so strong it wouldn't be anything but a destructive force in the end. And that scared me because I couldn't do it to her. "

Love IS a destructive force. 

It burns deep down into the very darkest corners of my hidey-hole heart. 

It causes me to tear down barriers, strip my soul naked and beat myself up. 

Love murders former entities, breaks people, and destroys them. 

And it doesn't have to apologize. 

Because love is simultaneously

A constructive force. 

A force that binds me to you,

A desire to be the very best I can be. 

A drive to live not only in the always now,

But also in the maybe tomorrow. 

Love doubts,

Love struggles,

Love does not have to be financially stable,

Though it does have to be well-fed

Love 

Love is talk til three in the morning about when we were younger

Love is that orgasm where we both are breathing so hard it sounds like we're crying and dying

Love is language that drips from our glances and 

Love..

Love is. 

Nerdgasm

I hate college towns.

Correction: I hate going to bars in college towns.

See, I'm not an idiot, I know that I'm no Suzy Cheerleader,

I'm no Trophy wife material,

But I know that I'm pretty,

And when I go out I like to dress to the nines,

But I am sick of the chads and ryans,

the sandal wearing motherfuckers,

the frat bros and bras or whatever they call themselves these days, 

hitting on me.

See, I like to go out dressed to the nines,

But I want a guy who fantasizes about Seven Of Nine.

That's right,

I love Nerds.

So instead of going out,

I'm at home, cruising the internet dating sites, the chat rooms, the blogs,

I'm hitting up karaoke, the arcades and Game Spot.

I want a man who can kick my ass at Halo,

understands soduku,

and doesn't mind if I dance around in my pajamas to the TRON Theme song.

No, don't talk dirty to me,

Talk NERDY to me.

I wanna integrate e to the x with him,

cuz goddamn it I'm a jedi in lingerie.

During foreplay we'll play Magic: The Gathering

And I'll make him harder than Chinese algebra.

That's right. He's gonna Insert his disk into my hard drive,

cuz baby, I got enough memory to save him under file spank bank.

He's the dungeonmaster of our bedroom.

It isn't the size of his penis, but the size of his comic book collection that'll make me wet.

I wanna peer into his four eyes while we hammer out string theory.

I wanna hear about how his level 75 blood elf mage pwnd the alliance noobz in a raid on Southern Kalimdor.

I want him to be so awesome that his head shines like a goddamn beacon so the unannointed might know where to gain their sustenence. yea, verily yea.

Forget paying a cover to go dancing, we've got Dance Dance Revolution hooked up to our hacked Xbox 360 elite.

Afterward, We're gonna hop on the internet and have hot, dirty cyber sex on a mux.

We're gonna fall in love while we're kicking ass during the zombie apocalypse.

I want a man who functions on caffine, does his christmas shopping on thinkgeek.com and runs Linux.

Forget house parties, we're hitting up LAN parties.

He's gonna know that Batman is way cooler than Spiderman and Superman combined,

and pirates always beat ninjas. ALWAYS.

His facebook profile will list  Lord of the Rings, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy Trilogy, The Gor Series, and the Dragon Lance series as books that changed his life.

And Movie night?

We're air popping popcorn and watching Cowboy Bebop, The Movie.

Until I meet him, 

I'm calling up the geek squad like it's a phone sex line,

Cruising the internet cafes,

and waiting.

Waiting for one nerd to rule them all,

Waiting for my nerd in shining 1080i.

Let's face it, I need to integrate. 

And when I finally find him,

Actually, I did find him,

All my base are belong to him. 

Lies, No Matter What.

 

When I was little, you would take me into your arms and hug me at the airport, 

and you'd say 

"I love you, Miss Jay, no matter what!"

I'd laugh and twirl my fingers in your whiskers, and say

"I love you too, daddy, no matter what!"

As a child you taught me about rainbows, you told me that 

Rainbows were god's promise that he loved everyone so much

That he would never flood the earth again, no matter what. 

I used to draw rainbows on letters addressed to you in crayon. 

To tell you in secret code that I loved you, no matter what. 

As I got older, we saw each other more and more, 

Disneyland dad, my mom called you. 

It was fitting for awhile when you lived in California. 

You always made sure my brother and I were cared after,

And we'd always have a blast. 

My brother chose to live with you for awhile,

And even though I didn't come with,

You assured me that you loved me, no matter what. 

And when I came to visit,

Because your mother had died,

My brother cornered me,

And told me he wanted to come home,

I assured him I loved him no matter what. 

Just as you assured me later,

When the custody case had been overturned,

That you loved me no matter what. 

Years passed and I got frustrated with life. 

I ran away from home,

And my mother, 

Afraid I would try to run again,

Dumped me with you. 

You assured me you loved me,

And you finally had the opportunity to be my dad. 

Not just my weekend warrior dad. 

You made sure I had everything. 

A mom,

A stepsister,

Pets,

A car,

You even treated my boyfriends like you were a real father,

Scaring them into submission. 

Threatening them with the words "If you hurt my daughter..."

I was so happy. 

My dad loved me no matter what. 

You got to see my school productions,

You helped me with my math homework,

And you let my best friend sleep over. 

And when summer was nearly over,

You sent me back to my mother's because you "wanted me to complete school on time." 

I was heartbroken, because this was the first lie I ever caught you in. 

But I said nothing,

Because as the plane was boarding you took my eighteen year old self in your arms, and hugged me tight. 

And you said

"I love you, Miss Jay, no matter what. "

And I hugged you back,

With tears in my eyes, and whispered

"I love you too, dad, no matter what. "

On the plane, I decided to forgive you. 

I deduced you told me the lie to save me from the heartbreak of your impending divorce,

Because you didn't know 

That I already knew

You weren't sending me home because of school. 

I graduated, and got married a few years later. 

And you came into town

To walk me down the aisle. 

I remember how you looked at me,

And offered me money

Not to marry the man I had fallen in love with. 

I laughed, and told you I loved this man. 

And you responded,

I love you Miss Jay, no matter what. 

And when I got divorced,

You said the words. 

And when you met your grandson,

You said the words, 

And when you talked to me the day after your birthday,

In 2009,

You said the words. 

And then,

There were no more words until Christmas

Of 2013. 

You found out I was bisexual. 

You found out rainbows meant something else besides god's promise. 

You found out that your daughter, your firstborn, your little girl, was something you couldn't understand. 

And then that little phrase,

I love you, Miss Jay, no matter what. 

Became the biggest lie 

You ever told. 

Figments

I must be the saddest girl to ever wear pigtails and pink ray bans.
I want to paint zebra black stripes on the walls.
Being with you is like being at summer camp.
We build forts in our bed late at night.
Tell me a ghost story.
Write your name on every piece of blank paper you find.
Fold them up
and put them in bottles.
Cover me in warm
because it's so cold out now.
I die after every party.
Close my eyes
count to three
and take the picture.
Silent tears swirl
with black eyeliner
hush, now.
Rain makes my whole body ache
reminders of damage done years ago.
Don't go.
I see you're falling into sleep.
I'll lie on the couch
until my body turns to concrete.
you can't fix me because I'm not broken.
Take another shot.
Take another shot.
Take another fucking shot.
You must have bad aim.
Are you awake yet?
Notice me.
I'm the saddest girl to ever wear pigtails and pink ray bans.

Thaumaturgy.

Take a photo of me and fold it into an

origami dragonfly.

I always wanted to be someone's good luck 

so keep me in your pocket

next to your change

to remind you that there is nothing better.

You breathe into me in the mornings

mint breath

sleep breath

mixing and molding in my lungs like

concrete.

This is concrete.

If I were versed in anything besides words

I'd like to think I'd be a sculptor.

I'd mold us a life

with a fairy tale ending.

Sometimes I can't tell where you end and I begin.

Your hands write me love letters

with your eyes closed.

And I echo your responsiveness

with sound.

There's a woman with her head in her hands in a photo frame.

Sometimes I think she cries for love.

Sometimes I think she cries for someone she lost.

Today I thought she might be crying

because we've finally realized

what beauty really means.

I wait by the door

like Pavlov's dog

thirty minutes before you get home.

You

Snap pictures of my sleeping self

and call her an angel.

She really looks like one

when I see her through your eye.

Breathe into me in the mornings.

Plant your lips on mine and we'll grow.

Fold me into a paper airplane,

and come fly with me.

Brothers

I remember when we used to play hide and seek together as children,
Running and laughing with the wind.
We were small, and I helped you find good hiding places.
But your laughter would give you away.
I never doubted that you'd be that fun until you grew old,
And then,
I figured,
You'd yell at kids to get off your lawn as an old man inside joke.
I watched you grow up,
Just like you watched me grow up
And
I never doubted when you fell,
You'd pick yourself back up off the ground
And dust off your own skinned knees.
I remember
Climbing into bed with you when we were little,
because even though you were younger than I was,
You somehow always chased away my scary dreams.
I remember you always wanted to share things.
Even if it was your last piece of bubble gum.
You stuck up for me a lot.
Even when you knew that maybe I wasn't being quite so honest about who was responsible for the empty brownie pan.
You never had a shortage of hugs,
And you stood your ground even when we fought amongst ourselves.
These are the things that I know you will pass on to your son.
Your strength,
Your laughter,
Your honor,
Your love,
Your guts
And your glory.
You'll share your last piece of bubblegum with him,
And play hide and seek, always helping him to find the best hiding places
You'll dust off his skinned knees and
Scare away his bad dreams.
I know, because I have watched you do all of these things and more.
You're the best little brother in the whole world,
And it's only fitting
That you'd become the best dad in the whole world.
I love you, bro.
Congratulations.

Foundations.

You
Lit up the night sky with your
Bazillion watt smile
And painted the air
Purple and blue with fingertips
Outstretched from your palm
In the universal sign of
Hello.
I walked on.
A woman on a divine holy mission to forget
What went wrong
Why was it raining in the house
That my heart built?
Why couldn't I see the sky through the holes in the roof?
You appeared there,
Standing outside on my soul porch,
A few days later.
You were broken,
Asking for solstice and shelter
From the storm and
I knew then,
Because you painted sunsets in thin air
And shone more brilliantly than
The full moon that I
Could fix you.
I could offer you shelter
From the thunder bursting through your hollow ribcage.
You were raw and screaming on the inside
So I took a piece of plaster
From the walls of my heart
and hand fed it to you.
And then I watched you die.
As your body convulsed
And
You cried out to a faceless god
I held you,
Watched tears stream down your face
In a death rattle
That echoed in my brain until I heard nothing else.
I stripped you naked,
Washed your empty body
As the house that my heart built
Crumbled.
I watched the sun come up
As I laid you on a broken mattress
And sang you lullabies.
I fell asleep next to you
Wishing it were as easy for me
As it was for you.
I awoke to your fingers in my hair,
and your lips on mine,
Your smile dazzling as the desert summer sun.
I knew then,
We would rebuild the house,
But it would be the house our hearts built.
Together.