Allegro.

I have hand written you
a half dozen half-hearted love letters,
With no intention of you ever reading them because they weren't good enough.
I have practiced what I could say to you
In two different languages,
But when I get the chance to say it...
I choke.
I forgot what it was like to feel this way.
So, I'm going to try again
And maybe you can hear me over the stuttering, mumbling, short circuting fool I become in front of you.
You are so beautiful.
For as hardened as you come off
I know there exists a hopless romantic behind your nonchalont exterior.
And I know the only way to reach you,
Is to plead my case to him.
I know you have been broken.
I can see it in your face when you look at me sometimes.
I can taste it when your lips touch mine.
I know that you keep me at arm's length
because you're afraid of hurting me.
I also know,
That I am dangling from a string,
Waiting for you to give me word to let go.
I know that I am standing right in front of you, telling you that I want you, and no one, no reason, and not even the weather can change my mind.
I know that I may suffer.
I know that I may hurt.
I know that I can handle those things.
I also know
That I am selfish and impatient.
But for you, I would stand through it all. Because I feel more alive when I'm with you.
So don't let me walk away,
If this is what you want.
I told you once that I wouldn't wait forever,
But I can't bring myself to walk very far.
I can't promise you that it's going to always be rainbows and butterflies,
But I can promise you,
That I will stand by your side,
Take your hand,
And never look back.

Confessional

I was afraid I'd lost you,

to you.

I know everything hinges on this precarious cliff,

your insecurities, and mine.

I just want to forget that for awhile

and lay here next to you

breathing you in.

So let's let the music

sing us into each other.

My head on your chest,

your arms holding me close

Let's pretend the rest of the world

never mattered,

and survive here,

in the moment.

This is what I want.

Late nights playing

jukebox hero,

the music revealing more about us,

than we'd ever let on.

I'm fully aware of the consequences

of allowing myself to let go,

And I can't seem to help it

when I'm with you.

You're so distanced,

so secretive,

but somehow,

we're slowly pulling each other

into orbit.

So let's just lay here,

Watch the smoke from our cigaretts curl itself

upward.

You can lip synch while I sing along

and we can laugh when we get the words wrong.

I'll press my face to your neck,

wrap your arm around me,

and wait for the sun to come up.

Elk.

I wanted
To slow dance with you like junior prom.
Let you
Take my hand and walk me across the street.
Help you
Live in the now, under the endless sky.
But I let you
Watch me walk away.
I curled up next to you
In sleep, trusting everything.
I know I wasn't wrong.
You cradled me like I was the only one.
I drank you in the first night,
Letting you let me let go.
I could have gave it all to you.
Time heals everything, it's just too bad I'm
Too impatient.
So I let you watch me walk away
Only
I haven't walked very far.
You're a
juxtoposition,
With your subtle colors so close to mine.
And yeah,
I'm a barefoot goddess
Padding after a strong but silent type.
I'm learning to watch where my feet fall
Instead of letting you catch my clumsiness.
I'll tell you in a few words or less,
That this wasn't about you,
But I'll know, inside
I'm stopping myself from showing up at your door,
Light-footed and breathless,
Teeth and lips and toungue
Seeking yours
For validation.
I wish my words
Could stop you dead in your tracks
And conquer your fear.
But, just like the sure footed elk,
I'm afraid my sudden movements
Will cause you to spirit away from me
So I'm standing here.
Saying everything I ever wanted to say.
Hoping you're listening with a full heart.
Willing you to hear it.
Hoping,
Wanting.
Waiting.

Onions

For as many times as I have let my heart hit the floor,
I never forget who I am.
The girl I see in the mirror tonight is beautiful.
Dark hair, eyes that lie, and a sad smile.
She's whiskey kisses in the dark,
Cigarette smoke curls and crowns her like a halo.
She is a goddess.
Sometimes, I don't feel like a goddess.
I'm the nicest girl you'll ever meet because I fall in love easily.
I'm a hopless romantic stuck on the corner of walk, don't walk.
A heartbroken hippy who writes happily ever afters and sad songs over coffee.
But just because I give my heart away easily,
Just because I whisper in my sleep,
Just because I walk the line,
It doesn't mean it makes it any easier
When I wake up
To a hole in my chest and a screen full of words.
My knees are skinned,
My words are staccato notes plucked out on a violin.
My feet hurt from walking too far for too long.
But I don't give up.
I know you're out there, somewhere, with a glass of water.
I will bring you my book of heartscathing, stunted poetry.
You will take it from me
and replace it with
Just
As
Much
Love
As
I
Have
Given
Away.
Until then,
I have a screen full of words, and a heart on the floor.

Judgement Day

Judgement day,
a day when Christ himself shall walk upon the earth again and god will lay judgement on all mortal souls to decide who goes to heaven and who goes to hell.
Judgement day came for me the day I realized I was too blind and missed the most important parts of previous conversations with you.
Before I had even walked through the door, my soul had been judged and condemned to burn with everyone else like me.
The evidence laid there in black in white, written in your hand, as though you'd seen for youself the book of life, had seen my errors and glories written out by angels and saints.
You had already condemned me to burn.
But what the book didn't show you,
or what you had missed,
Was the way my soul looked into yours.
What I saw there.
I never viewed you as a man who wasn't good enough.
I viewed you as strong, someone who was honorable.
You were smart,
you knew what you wanted.
There was determination, love and laughter in your eyes everytime I looked at you.
I saw someone I wanted to emulate, someone I was proud to love.
Someone who brought the meaning of joy back into my life.
But, somehow I failed to point that out to you.
And on judgement day, I almost let you throw my soul into the nineth circle of hell because I failed to communicate this to you.
Because I'd failed you.
I almost forgot on judgement day, that god allows you free will one last time. My soul didn't forget, however, and I fought back.
I fought back with everything the good book taught me.
Love, honesty, hope, sadness, strength, and most importantly, repentance. Repentence.
Saul was made to walk the earth a blind man for his indescretions against god.
The theif who was crucified for stealing next to christ himself.
Adam and Eve, cast out from eden for eating from the tree of knowledge, Jonah, eaten by a whale,
Pharaoh's own son, killed by plague because Pharoh would not let Moses and his people go.
They repented.
Their souls went to heaven.
And if I must walk this earth blind, veiled in darkness like the belly of a whale,
be cast out of our home by an angel weilding a firey sword,
allow my heart to feel crucified by one which i have stolen,
and feel the wrath of god himself through plagues to prove to you that I have not sinned,
that my soul and my heart remained true to you,
to prove how worthy you are,
Then i will.
Because you are good enough. Because you are better than good enough.

The Day The Internets Broke.

The day the internets broke,
Mass pandemonium ensued,
No more status updates,
foursquare check ins,
or emails
could be read,
sent,
or posted.
The last known tweet was charlie sheen,
who,
in his own words,
was "still winning"
and hashtag planning better.
Mark Zuckerberg
decided the day the internets broke
to become an alcoholic,
and locked himself in his bathroom
with a bottle of
Popov Vodka,
when that ran out,
he resorted to drinking copious amounts of listerine,
and when he was found dead six hours later,
they said he smelled of mint.
and Tom Anderson,
hung himself by a USB cord,
though he wasn't found for a week afterward
since no one used Myspace anymore anyhow.
The president called on
Steve Jobs and
Bill Gates,
to see if they could fix the problem,
but the two could do nothing
but argue amongst themselves
over who had the better
itunes playlists.
And
how Bill could kick Steve's ass
on the Xbox Kinect.
Children were forced to play outdoors,
with each other,
in person.
Photos now had to be developed,
instead of just uploaded and shared.
Major buisnesses shut down everywhere.
People panicked.
Then, the unthinkable happened.
Somewhere, the man who invented the internet
emerged from his secret bomb proof energy efficient bunker
fifty stories below sea level,
to save us all.
Al Gore.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Al gore had the technology to rebuild the internets.
He had the capability
to fix the world's first
catastrophic system error;
Al Gore was that man.
He would make the internets
better than they were before.
Better. Stronger. Faster.
Al Gore,
Hiding in his bunker
from ManBearPIg,
would save us all.
The president mandated
that the song God Bless America
would now be entitled
God Bless Al Gore
and would be sang at
halftime
during football games everywhere.
The Catholic Church
Made him a saint,
And The Statue of liberty
was resurfaced
so Al's Face
instead of Lady Liberty's
would greet the tired, the poor and the huddled masses yearning to be free.
Children no longer
had to play face to face with one another,
Facebook status updates were able to be posted,
nobody still used myspace,
and people all across the world
were once again
tweeting,
checking in
and downloading videos from netflix and you tube.
Al went back to his fifty story below sea level bunker,
and was later eatn by manbearpig.
But the world never forgot
That Al saved us
from basic human interaction.
He saved us
from ourselves.

Hide and Seek.

I remember playing hide and seek as a child,
With my father and my brother.
We'd play for hours, I was always finding good hiding places in the shed,
in the kitchen cabinets,
Behind the compost pile.
I remember hearing my father yelling
"Ready or not! Here I come"
The best part about hide and seek for me was the hiding.
We played hide and seek together,
in summers that lasted six weeks.
Then it was back home to school,
to mom,
to my stepdad.
Back to being the minature adult my parents always seemed to overlook.
I never forgot about hide and seek.
I've played so many versions of it.
Hiding in a locked bathroom,
praying that my lover at the time wouldn't find me.
Praying he couldn't catch me if I decided to run home.
The childhood memory of hide and seek took on new meaning
because instead of getting tagged on the way to home base,
I was getting punched and put in hospitals.
I've spent the better portion of my adult life playing hide and seek.
I've hidden behind my self defenses.
I've hidden behind metaphors,
behind men.
Behind women.
I've hidden from responsibility.
I've hidden in the hallways I've built inside my heart.
Ready or not Here I come!
became more of a threat,
than a happy childhood memory.
I've been hiding behind six week long summers,
clinging to the memory of listening to my heart pound in my ribcage,
the sound of my breathing.
The fear of being caught or even worse,
being it.
What I never realized was
that hiding
always meant I was alone.
Hiding
meant that I was in fear.
I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I want to scream at that broken hearted five year old miniature adult version of me..
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIDE ANYMORE!
Come out and play with the rest of us!
Run!
Laugh!
Sing songs in languages that only you know,
Dance!
You don't have to hide anymore!

Years have passed since I was that little girl.
And I've waited.
I've waited, listening to my heart pound inside of my ribcage,
waited, listening to the sound of my breathing.
It's taken me all these years to finally realize
that the whole point to hide and seek
was to be found.
when I hear you yelling
"Ready Or Not, Here I come!"
I'll smile to myself,
and make a break for home base,
because I know now,
after years of hiding,
that there's nothing I'd rather be
than found.