Brunch

I slid out of bed in the early morning,
From under twisted sheets
And twisted actions.
And I made him breakfast.
I never liked pancakes but I made them for him.
Sometimes, you give up a little when you love someone
Pancakes were minor tribute
To how I had been feeling.

He always came in the night
In shadow
With rain.
Like something out of
A dreamscape,
Or maybe a nightmare.
I held him
Close
Told him
I loved him
Without ever saying the words,
But with screaming sighs and
Crying climaxes.
And with breakfast
In the early mornings.

I knew there were other women.
I knew there were other angels
Other princesses
Other little darlings.
But I knew I'd be there
When they couldn't.
When they wouldn't.
When they ceased to be useful.

For as much as he loved me,
He still couldn't love me the way
I loved him.
Often I would stand on the sidelines.
Waiting for night.
Waiting for breakfast.
Waiting for him to find the little pieces of himself that he kept buried
After he burned the treasure map.

I remember when the nights came without him.
I wept
Knowing I didn't save him.
Knowing I failed
Knowing I could never trust him
Maybe even love him
The same again.

I knew these things.
But I always remembered
Breakfast.

Babylon

I am a body of water.
I am wet
And wild and free.
You
Are a desert wanderer
You are dry and parched and cracked
Aching
To drink your fill.
I can feel your heartbeat
Next to my shoreline.
You are the conqueror
You will burn cities
And collect your gold
And I am a whore of Babylon
Hell bound
A seducer of kings.
I will be your greatest regret.
You can only hold so much water
Between cupped palms before it escapes.
You can only carry so much gold before it catches the eye of a thief.
You can only burn so many cities
Before the destruction
Haunts you in your sleep.
You can run,
But lust, like water will always find you.
Will always be in you.
I may be a sinner
But if seduction is my death bringer
Can you imagine the stories the devil and I will share?
Lust always burns
So if my soul be damned
At least I am used to the flames
You...
Conquerer.
Desert Wanderer,
Warrior.
You may not understand the burn
You
Understand thirst.
Cup your hands,
Traveler.
And drink.

Moirai

My cards always pull the tower.
A card that symbolizes change. Liberation. Danger.
I don't consult the cards often anymore
Because the only constant in my life
Is change.
I am of the water
Astrologically.
An arachnid
That sheds its exoskeleton five to six times
Before it reaches adulthood.
A clawed
And aculeus armed
Insect
That will violently sting itself to death
Rather than drown.
I was born in the year named Ox.
Under the element of Wood.
Restless and straightforward,
Steadfast yet unpredictable.
These horoscopes I put down years ago,
A personality mechanism
Designed to fit me neatly into a box
Which I have no intention of staying in.
Some days I wake up
And I am a stranger in my own body.
My consciousness seemingly ripped away from the fabric
Of time.
No king's horses
Or king's men
To put me back together again.
So I have become a seamstress.
Constantly making alterations,
Steadfastly adapting to
The changes I don't have control over.
And ripping out the seams
When those particular stitches
Are no longer needed.
I am Clotho.
A daughter of Necessity.
Spinning the thread of my life.
A symbol of both life and death
A fate.
A goddess.

Woman

The last time I was here
In the vast red mountains,
I buried a song for you.
Let the red dirt
Sift through my cold knuckled
Fingers.
Dyed my hands
The color of life,
Though I was
In mourning.
Visiting this place,
Being here
Among the juniper
And the
Angel's trumpet
Breathing in the
Sage scented air
I am home.
I watched the clouds
Roll off the mountains
Like a funeral procession,
A death and dream fog.
I am a woman of secrets.
I am a woman
Who's scarlet knowledge
Will go to the grave with her.
This lake is placid
And though the reflections in it often mirror things of such beauty
Things of awe,
They are meant to keep you content
While something far more sinister,
Far more brilliant,
Far more seductive,
Lurks under the surface.
Like the symphony
I buried for you
In the red dirt
That stained my hands,
And named me woman.

Stars

I am the wild.
I told you,
And I don't think you believed it
Until sunset caused us
To hike past a beach
And into the night.
You always told me you were
All or nothing
And I responded
With heartbeats.
You
Told me you were a shadow
Of your past self
And I promised you
In sighs
And broken screams
That I loved you anyway.
And if one
Can love the darkness,
One can surely
Love the light.
You told me
I was a star
As we laid
In the grass and the dirt
Underneath the trees
Upon the red earth
Under an endless sky.
But i felt less like a star
And more like a supernova
When I touched you.
And I still feel you even though
Your breathing is
Miles away
We are
Interconnected
Through
Unspeakable truths
And
Spiritual loopholes.
I know
Now is difficult.
Now is an awful space
Now is abyss that may not have a safe place for us to cross.
But believe me,
The Balrog that is your demon
Shall not pass
Further than you let it.
I told you once that I had to allow you to drag me down with you.
I have that choice.
But you forget,
Darling,
I am a creature of the dark
And I have seen its depth.
And so if you find yourself wondering
If the dark
Has taken you further than you thought possible.
Further than you can handle.
I will be your light.
I have always been the grey
But I will be the white for you.
I will fall from the night sky
And explode
Like a firework
Over your soul.
Believe me,
I have enough gunpowder
And light
And fire
To light your way.
We are like that beach
Skipping stones on the surface
Reflecting the light we see
From above.
And I am your North Star.
I am your guiding light.
I will show you the way home.
You just have to let me
Run wild, like the creek
That runs through your heart.
Unconditional.
Always flowing.
So pull the rock
That is holding the dam together.
Let me show you
What a star can do.

Untitled

I've waited two years.
I'm not really sure what I was waiting for.
A sign,
Maybe god calling me on my cell phone in the middle of the night
To tell me
I was going to die a spinster
Or maybe about this really cool guy the devil wanted me to hook up with.
But for two years,
I wandered aimlessly through the desert,
Waiting for some version
Of a heavenly text message,
Or some magical conversation
To pull me out of
The numbness I wrapped myself in
To keep warm
And protect me from the elements.
I don't know what I was thinking
When I went to the bar that night.
I just wanted to remind myself
That humans are funny creatures,
And though I didn't feel like one,
I was related to them.
I sat with a man
Who calls me Oracle
Maybe because I'm psychic
Maybe because I know how to read people
Maybe because secretly he hopes I'm able to promise him a better tomorrow in some way,
And we didn't speak.
We watched people.
And suddenly you were there.
I looked at you,
Wondering,
What kind of man you were.
A feeling of peace came over me
Almost as if the ocean had swallowed me whole.
I knew this feeling.
You were touched by unconditional love
Or were pushing it out into the universe
Like a riptide.
And I spoke to you.
I don't remember what it was I first said,
But I remember
Thinking how lovely it must be
To be loved the way you were.
I remember getting drunk and laughing like a fool with you,
And how awesome that was
Because
I hadn't laughed like that with a stranger for years.
And that's how we started.
Two drunk fools in a bar
Laughing.
Later I got the chance to tell you some of my story,
And we've progressed in making a story of our own.
But.
There's always a but.
Even though I have a hard time leaving you in the morning,
Or at night,
And we talk and laugh and adventure,
The skeptic in me lives on,
And I'm more scared now
Than I ever have been of losing a person.
We haven't said the words yet,
But you cause me to feel,
Feel things that were once a distant memory
Like a ghost that haunts the hallways of my soul
And my heart is pounding as I type this out on my cellphone
Because I'm afraid
Afraid of allowing the feelings
In again.
But the reality is
They never left.
They never left.
I've been so afraid of falling that now,
When I know I am
It's the hardest thing to admit.
So instead
I wrote you a poem
To tell you,
I'm here.
And I'm afraid.
But I'm here and it the most glorious feeling
Like a phone call
From God
Telling me
It's gonna be ok.
I'm ok.
It's ok
To feel
Again.