Lies, No Matter What.

 

When I was little, you would take me into your arms and hug me at the airport, 

and you'd say 

"I love you, Miss Jay, no matter what!"

I'd laugh and twirl my fingers in your whiskers, and say

"I love you too, daddy, no matter what!"

As a child you taught me about rainbows, you told me that 

Rainbows were god's promise that he loved everyone so much

That he would never flood the earth again, no matter what. 

I used to draw rainbows on letters addressed to you in crayon. 

To tell you in secret code that I loved you, no matter what. 

As I got older, we saw each other more and more, 

Disneyland dad, my mom called you. 

It was fitting for awhile when you lived in California. 

You always made sure my brother and I were cared after,

And we'd always have a blast. 

My brother chose to live with you for awhile,

And even though I didn't come with,

You assured me that you loved me, no matter what. 

And when I came to visit,

Because your mother had died,

My brother cornered me,

And told me he wanted to come home,

I assured him I loved him no matter what. 

Just as you assured me later,

When the custody case had been overturned,

That you loved me no matter what. 

Years passed and I got frustrated with life. 

I ran away from home,

And my mother, 

Afraid I would try to run again,

Dumped me with you. 

You assured me you loved me,

And you finally had the opportunity to be my dad. 

Not just my weekend warrior dad. 

You made sure I had everything. 

A mom,

A stepsister,

Pets,

A car,

You even treated my boyfriends like you were a real father,

Scaring them into submission. 

Threatening them with the words "If you hurt my daughter..."

I was so happy. 

My dad loved me no matter what. 

You got to see my school productions,

You helped me with my math homework,

And you let my best friend sleep over. 

And when summer was nearly over,

You sent me back to my mother's because you "wanted me to complete school on time." 

I was heartbroken, because this was the first lie I ever caught you in. 

But I said nothing,

Because as the plane was boarding you took my eighteen year old self in your arms, and hugged me tight. 

And you said

"I love you, Miss Jay, no matter what. "

And I hugged you back,

With tears in my eyes, and whispered

"I love you too, dad, no matter what. "

On the plane, I decided to forgive you. 

I deduced you told me the lie to save me from the heartbreak of your impending divorce,

Because you didn't know 

That I already knew

You weren't sending me home because of school. 

I graduated, and got married a few years later. 

And you came into town

To walk me down the aisle. 

I remember how you looked at me,

And offered me money

Not to marry the man I had fallen in love with. 

I laughed, and told you I loved this man. 

And you responded,

I love you Miss Jay, no matter what. 

And when I got divorced,

You said the words. 

And when you met your grandson,

You said the words, 

And when you talked to me the day after your birthday,

In 2009,

You said the words. 

And then,

There were no more words until Christmas

Of 2013. 

You found out I was bisexual. 

You found out rainbows meant something else besides god's promise. 

You found out that your daughter, your firstborn, your little girl, was something you couldn't understand. 

And then that little phrase,

I love you, Miss Jay, no matter what. 

Became the biggest lie 

You ever told. 

Figments

I must be the saddest girl to ever wear pigtails and pink ray bans.
I want to paint zebra black stripes on the walls.
Being with you is like being at summer camp.
We build forts in our bed late at night.
Tell me a ghost story.
Write your name on every piece of blank paper you find.
Fold them up
and put them in bottles.
Cover me in warm
because it's so cold out now.
I die after every party.
Close my eyes
count to three
and take the picture.
Silent tears swirl
with black eyeliner
hush, now.
Rain makes my whole body ache
reminders of damage done years ago.
Don't go.
I see you're falling into sleep.
I'll lie on the couch
until my body turns to concrete.
you can't fix me because I'm not broken.
Take another shot.
Take another shot.
Take another fucking shot.
You must have bad aim.
Are you awake yet?
Notice me.
I'm the saddest girl to ever wear pigtails and pink ray bans.

Thaumaturgy.

Take a photo of me and fold it into an

origami dragonfly.

I always wanted to be someone's good luck 

so keep me in your pocket

next to your change

to remind you that there is nothing better.

You breathe into me in the mornings

mint breath

sleep breath

mixing and molding in my lungs like

concrete.

This is concrete.

If I were versed in anything besides words

I'd like to think I'd be a sculptor.

I'd mold us a life

with a fairy tale ending.

Sometimes I can't tell where you end and I begin.

Your hands write me love letters

with your eyes closed.

And I echo your responsiveness

with sound.

There's a woman with her head in her hands in a photo frame.

Sometimes I think she cries for love.

Sometimes I think she cries for someone she lost.

Today I thought she might be crying

because we've finally realized

what beauty really means.

I wait by the door

like Pavlov's dog

thirty minutes before you get home.

You

Snap pictures of my sleeping self

and call her an angel.

She really looks like one

when I see her through your eye.

Breathe into me in the mornings.

Plant your lips on mine and we'll grow.

Fold me into a paper airplane,

and come fly with me.

Brothers

I remember when we used to play hide and seek together as children,
Running and laughing with the wind.
We were small, and I helped you find good hiding places.
But your laughter would give you away.
I never doubted that you'd be that fun until you grew old,
And then,
I figured,
You'd yell at kids to get off your lawn as an old man inside joke.
I watched you grow up,
Just like you watched me grow up
And
I never doubted when you fell,
You'd pick yourself back up off the ground
And dust off your own skinned knees.
I remember
Climbing into bed with you when we were little,
because even though you were younger than I was,
You somehow always chased away my scary dreams.
I remember you always wanted to share things.
Even if it was your last piece of bubble gum.
You stuck up for me a lot.
Even when you knew that maybe I wasn't being quite so honest about who was responsible for the empty brownie pan.
You never had a shortage of hugs,
And you stood your ground even when we fought amongst ourselves.
These are the things that I know you will pass on to your son.
Your strength,
Your laughter,
Your honor,
Your love,
Your guts
And your glory.
You'll share your last piece of bubblegum with him,
And play hide and seek, always helping him to find the best hiding places
You'll dust off his skinned knees and
Scare away his bad dreams.
I know, because I have watched you do all of these things and more.
You're the best little brother in the whole world,
And it's only fitting
That you'd become the best dad in the whole world.
I love you, bro.
Congratulations.

Foundations.

You
Lit up the night sky with your
Bazillion watt smile
And painted the air
Purple and blue with fingertips
Outstretched from your palm
In the universal sign of
Hello.
I walked on.
A woman on a divine holy mission to forget
What went wrong
Why was it raining in the house
That my heart built?
Why couldn't I see the sky through the holes in the roof?
You appeared there,
Standing outside on my soul porch,
A few days later.
You were broken,
Asking for solstice and shelter
From the storm and
I knew then,
Because you painted sunsets in thin air
And shone more brilliantly than
The full moon that I
Could fix you.
I could offer you shelter
From the thunder bursting through your hollow ribcage.
You were raw and screaming on the inside
So I took a piece of plaster
From the walls of my heart
and hand fed it to you.
And then I watched you die.
As your body convulsed
And
You cried out to a faceless god
I held you,
Watched tears stream down your face
In a death rattle
That echoed in my brain until I heard nothing else.
I stripped you naked,
Washed your empty body
As the house that my heart built
Crumbled.
I watched the sun come up
As I laid you on a broken mattress
And sang you lullabies.
I fell asleep next to you
Wishing it were as easy for me
As it was for you.
I awoke to your fingers in my hair,
and your lips on mine,
Your smile dazzling as the desert summer sun.
I knew then,
We would rebuild the house,
But it would be the house our hearts built.
Together.

Words.

I write you Love letters on
stained bar napkins and used matchbooks.
I never let you read them,
Because I fear you'd find them cliche.
I keep them anyway,
Stored in a shoebox locked away in my heart.
Most people think in pictures,
But I,
I think in words and phrases.
The memories I have with you are
Metaphors and similes,
Phrases and clauses,
etched on the paper walls of my mind.
They say that love
Can make a poet out of anyone.
But you were a poet long before I met you.
I have kept every word you have ever written to me,
Because I am a hopeless romantic,
And I wanted to keep you close,
When you existed a world away.
I never told you how I felt,
Never told you I'd kept little pieces of you,
Never told you I'd never let go of you.
I loved you.
Wordlessly,
Selflessly,
Speechlessly
And all I have
Are words I wanted to say to you.
Letters I should have sent,
Even when you lived a world away.
I still somehow believe
That our hearts have always beat in sync.
I still love you
And in my star-crossed happily ever after
Trains of thought,
You are there.
Waiting for me.

Naked.

You asked me, how do I like you?
How do I like you.
I said I liked you as you, because I'd be pretty disappointed if you were someone else
And
That was the truth
But
How do I like you?
I like you naked.
You're going to laugh,
And say
I like you naked, too.
But that's not what I mean.
I like you naked
Stripped of all your physicality.
I like lying there, next to you,
And losing myself in you.
Your essence, your very nature,
Your being.
We talk a lot about souls,
You and I.
I like your soul.
I like seeing it in your face,
Hearing it in your voice.
Feeling it
When you touch me.
I like you naked.
I like hearing what's on your mind,
And I like knowing you trust me enough to let me in.
I like you mean, and nasty and rough around the edges,
And I like you strong yet gentle,
I like how you make me feel safe.
I like you naked.
I like meddling around in your mind,
Watching what makes you tick
And what doesn't.
I like you naked.
I like not just hearing,
But feeling and touching and tasting and smelling
You.
I like you
Unconditionally.
I like the game of devil's advocate we play,
I like you naked.
I like waking up next to you,
And falling into sleep to your breathing.
I like being with you, around you, beside you and on your mind.
I like you naked.
I like you like school children like recess.
It's usually what they'd say their favorite subject is.
You're my favorite subject.
You're my muse.
My heart,
My soul.
and quite possibly,
My forever.
I like you for everything you are, everything you have been, and everything you may or may not become.
Mostly,
Though,
I like you naked.