Falling

I didn't want to let go.
We raced through the streets that night,
playing truth or dare with the wind.
I held on to you as you
whipped us through sidestreets
on your two wheeled
death machine.
By the time we stopped,
I was breathless, and I didn't want to let go,
but I did.
I didn't want to let go
the first night you held my hand
We laughed and smiled and whispered
downtown,
listened to stories,
and began creating our own.
I snuck my hand into yours,
as we walked toward the bookstore.
But I didn't want to let go,
though, I did.
I didn't want to let go,
When you wrapped your arms around me,
your lips pressed to mine,
your body
leaning into mine,
your heart
beating in time with mine,
Your breath,
Stilled, like mine.
I didn't want to let go,
But, I did.
I didn't want to let go
The first time you grabbed my hand, and led me out onto the dance floor.
The bass was pounding through my chest,
My body moved in time with yours,
Everybody else just dissappeared
And there was only you and I.
I didn't want to let go,
But I did.
I didn't want to let go
When I wrapped my arms around you while you slept.
Being curled up next to you,
Left my dreams sweet.
I wanted you to know I was there, though you were softly snoring in my ear.
I didn't want to let go.
But, I did.
I don't want to let go,
Because my soul recognizes yours.
I love the way you make me feel when we touch,
When we laugh at ourselves, or at each other,
When we're together, or
when we're apart.
So, I'm holding on.
Holding on to the ideas, the dreams, the talks and the stories, the jokes, the good times, and you.
I'll hold on to you.
Until we're ready
To let go.

Bedpost.

I hope you cut yourself
When you
so eloquently etched my name
On your bedpost.
If I had a heart, I suppose I could forgive you,
But you stole it away
And buried it along with all your secrets.
I tried to tell you in words
Words I wrote to you
That I had fallen for you,
That I loved you.
And in a single sentence,
You ripped all of those words
All of those stanzas
All of those verses and couplets,
Out of my soul
And flushed them out.
That's all you are now.
A poem.
An angry, heartbroken, ugly poem.
I want you to feel as lame as the excuses you gave me.
I want you to limp with their weight.
I want you as crippled as you left me.
Begging for some sort of crutch to help you close distances.
I never thought you heartless,
But now I know better.
I hope the next time you feel anything,
You hurt.
I hope tears sting your eyes
And you are blinded.
I hope you cut yourself
When you carved my name
So eloquently
Into your bedpost.
And I hope everytime you look at the scar,
You remember the girl who wanted to give you everything.
You're just a lonely, angry little poem now,
And I deserve to write better ones.

Tin Man.

Ever since being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder,
I've envied the tin man.
Not having a heart meant I would never experience chest pain,
Never experience hurt.
Never experience love.
I laid down on that hospital bed knowing very well I could die because of my faulty ticker.
I lay there, in the darkness,
Bitterly wishing for a new heart.
Or better yet, wishing I didn't have one to begin with.
As they pushed the needle through my chest,
I thought about the tin man.
I thought about how happy he was
When the wizard gave him his heart,
And I wondered if the tin man ever
Felt like his chest was going to explode into shrapnel,
Like mine did at that moment.
This morning I woke up and realized what a fool I have been.
I realized that you were gone, and never coming back.
There were pictures, and treasures and memories that you gave to me.
But you weren't there anymore.
My chest, though healed,
Felt as though it were exploding.
You had a heart.
You loved like it was your last day, everyday.
You never knew how important you were.
I never knew how important you were,
Until your heart stopped.
Until you were no more.
You and I followed the yellow brick road to the emerald city,
Neither of us actually knowing
You were the Wizard,
and I turned out to be the tin man.
And you were the one who would give me back my heart.

Allegro.

I have hand written you
a half dozen half-hearted love letters,
With no intention of you ever reading them because they weren't good enough.
I have practiced what I could say to you
In two different languages,
But when I get the chance to say it...
I choke.
I forgot what it was like to feel this way.
So, I'm going to try again
And maybe you can hear me over the stuttering, mumbling, short circuting fool I become in front of you.
You are so beautiful.
For as hardened as you come off
I know there exists a hopless romantic behind your nonchalont exterior.
And I know the only way to reach you,
Is to plead my case to him.
I know you have been broken.
I can see it in your face when you look at me sometimes.
I can taste it when your lips touch mine.
I know that you keep me at arm's length
because you're afraid of hurting me.
I also know,
That I am dangling from a string,
Waiting for you to give me word to let go.
I know that I am standing right in front of you, telling you that I want you, and no one, no reason, and not even the weather can change my mind.
I know that I may suffer.
I know that I may hurt.
I know that I can handle those things.
I also know
That I am selfish and impatient.
But for you, I would stand through it all. Because I feel more alive when I'm with you.
So don't let me walk away,
If this is what you want.
I told you once that I wouldn't wait forever,
But I can't bring myself to walk very far.
I can't promise you that it's going to always be rainbows and butterflies,
But I can promise you,
That I will stand by your side,
Take your hand,
And never look back.

Confessional

I was afraid I'd lost you,

to you.

I know everything hinges on this precarious cliff,

your insecurities, and mine.

I just want to forget that for awhile

and lay here next to you

breathing you in.

So let's let the music

sing us into each other.

My head on your chest,

your arms holding me close

Let's pretend the rest of the world

never mattered,

and survive here,

in the moment.

This is what I want.

Late nights playing

jukebox hero,

the music revealing more about us,

than we'd ever let on.

I'm fully aware of the consequences

of allowing myself to let go,

And I can't seem to help it

when I'm with you.

You're so distanced,

so secretive,

but somehow,

we're slowly pulling each other

into orbit.

So let's just lay here,

Watch the smoke from our cigaretts curl itself

upward.

You can lip synch while I sing along

and we can laugh when we get the words wrong.

I'll press my face to your neck,

wrap your arm around me,

and wait for the sun to come up.

Elk.

I wanted
To slow dance with you like junior prom.
Let you
Take my hand and walk me across the street.
Help you
Live in the now, under the endless sky.
But I let you
Watch me walk away.
I curled up next to you
In sleep, trusting everything.
I know I wasn't wrong.
You cradled me like I was the only one.
I drank you in the first night,
Letting you let me let go.
I could have gave it all to you.
Time heals everything, it's just too bad I'm
Too impatient.
So I let you watch me walk away
Only
I haven't walked very far.
You're a
juxtoposition,
With your subtle colors so close to mine.
And yeah,
I'm a barefoot goddess
Padding after a strong but silent type.
I'm learning to watch where my feet fall
Instead of letting you catch my clumsiness.
I'll tell you in a few words or less,
That this wasn't about you,
But I'll know, inside
I'm stopping myself from showing up at your door,
Light-footed and breathless,
Teeth and lips and toungue
Seeking yours
For validation.
I wish my words
Could stop you dead in your tracks
And conquer your fear.
But, just like the sure footed elk,
I'm afraid my sudden movements
Will cause you to spirit away from me
So I'm standing here.
Saying everything I ever wanted to say.
Hoping you're listening with a full heart.
Willing you to hear it.
Hoping,
Wanting.
Waiting.

Onions

For as many times as I have let my heart hit the floor,
I never forget who I am.
The girl I see in the mirror tonight is beautiful.
Dark hair, eyes that lie, and a sad smile.
She's whiskey kisses in the dark,
Cigarette smoke curls and crowns her like a halo.
She is a goddess.
Sometimes, I don't feel like a goddess.
I'm the nicest girl you'll ever meet because I fall in love easily.
I'm a hopless romantic stuck on the corner of walk, don't walk.
A heartbroken hippy who writes happily ever afters and sad songs over coffee.
But just because I give my heart away easily,
Just because I whisper in my sleep,
Just because I walk the line,
It doesn't mean it makes it any easier
When I wake up
To a hole in my chest and a screen full of words.
My knees are skinned,
My words are staccato notes plucked out on a violin.
My feet hurt from walking too far for too long.
But I don't give up.
I know you're out there, somewhere, with a glass of water.
I will bring you my book of heartscathing, stunted poetry.
You will take it from me
and replace it with
Just
As
Much
Love
As
I
Have
Given
Away.
Until then,
I have a screen full of words, and a heart on the floor.