When I was little, you would take me into your arms and hug me at the airport,
and you'd say
"I love you, Miss Jay, no matter what!"
I'd laugh and twirl my fingers in your whiskers, and say
"I love you too, daddy, no matter what!"
As a child you taught me about rainbows, you told me that
Rainbows were god's promise that he loved everyone so much
That he would never flood the earth again, no matter what.
I used to draw rainbows on letters addressed to you in crayon.
To tell you in secret code that I loved you, no matter what.
As I got older, we saw each other more and more,
Disneyland dad, my mom called you.
It was fitting for awhile when you lived in California.
You always made sure my brother and I were cared after,
And we'd always have a blast.
My brother chose to live with you for awhile,
And even though I didn't come with,
You assured me that you loved me, no matter what.
And when I came to visit,
Because your mother had died,
My brother cornered me,
And told me he wanted to come home,
I assured him I loved him no matter what.
Just as you assured me later,
When the custody case had been overturned,
That you loved me no matter what.
Years passed and I got frustrated with life.
I ran away from home,
And my mother,
Afraid I would try to run again,
Dumped me with you.
You assured me you loved me,
And you finally had the opportunity to be my dad.
Not just my weekend warrior dad.
You made sure I had everything.
A mom,
A stepsister,
Pets,
A car,
You even treated my boyfriends like you were a real father,
Scaring them into submission.
Threatening them with the words "If you hurt my daughter..."
I was so happy.
My dad loved me no matter what.
You got to see my school productions,
You helped me with my math homework,
And you let my best friend sleep over.
And when summer was nearly over,
You sent me back to my mother's because you "wanted me to complete school on time."
I was heartbroken, because this was the first lie I ever caught you in.
But I said nothing,
Because as the plane was boarding you took my eighteen year old self in your arms, and hugged me tight.
And you said
"I love you, Miss Jay, no matter what. "
And I hugged you back,
With tears in my eyes, and whispered
"I love you too, dad, no matter what. "
On the plane, I decided to forgive you.
I deduced you told me the lie to save me from the heartbreak of your impending divorce,
Because you didn't know
That I already knew
You weren't sending me home because of school.
I graduated, and got married a few years later.
And you came into town
To walk me down the aisle.
I remember how you looked at me,
And offered me money
Not to marry the man I had fallen in love with.
I laughed, and told you I loved this man.
And you responded,
I love you Miss Jay, no matter what.
And when I got divorced,
You said the words.
And when you met your grandson,
You said the words,
And when you talked to me the day after your birthday,
In 2009,
You said the words.
And then,
There were no more words until Christmas
Of 2013.
You found out I was bisexual.
You found out rainbows meant something else besides god's promise.
You found out that your daughter, your firstborn, your little girl, was something you couldn't understand.
And then that little phrase,
I love you, Miss Jay, no matter what.
Became the biggest lie
You ever told.
